A Report from the Phantom Zone

Top Ten Bad New Years Resolutions for a Stereotypical Artist

10. Don't roll eyes at people who ask if all my clothes are black; just accept that they are jealous and move on.

9. Stop worrying if smoking is killing me; Europeans have always smoked and they're all hot and skinny.

8. Don't listen to my mother who keeps “worrying that I’ll always be poor”; realize that I’m a Bohemian - a nuanced class of poor.

7. Less showers and more deodorant will save money on water bill.

6. Try to get to most or all of my court appearances this year.

5. Don’t get fired from more than four jobs this year even if my boss is nothing more than a wage-slave to the capitalistic pigs that own the corporation.

4. Cut back on drinking to just lunch, dinner, after dinner and late night.

3. Try to have most of my artwork done at least by the opening of the exhibit.

2. Stop feeling bad when gallery owners say that I’m “hard to work with,” they secretly love the drama anyway.

1. Try to convince at least one person that I’m not elitist, no matter how stupid, provincial, uncultured, uneducated, ignorant or boring they are.

Happy New Decade!




A typical Bohemian


Pigs from "Animal Farm"